jackassletters.com: PM Gordon Brown

I’m a bit unclear why they wouldn’t write back. I can often see why a company wouldn’t, but not in this case. I obsessively praised their product, made a suggestion for a site correction that might save millions of people a wasted trip to the N. Grand Waldenbooks to buy Burt’s Bees products, and asked reasonable questions. I mean, after the rapture, when my girlfriend and I are still here, we’re going to need dental hygiene more than ever, right? It would be nice to know how long her toothpaste will last in the event of the APOCALYPSE (everyone panic!). And heck, I even implied I’d buy fucking cases of the crap if they had any sitting around (assuming the shelf life was reasonable). Yeah, I’d ignore this type of customer too, since in this day and age, no possible way for news of this kind of neglect to be disseminated to the masses. Do they not understand what kind of power I wield? If I called for a boycott my legions of followers would bankrupt Dr. Burt in a heartbeat!

Yeah, I do realize I have delusions of grandeur, but even an idiotic megalomaniac like me can be correct on occasion.

For the record, there really is a Burt of Burt’s Bees (and won’t he be pissed when he finds out no one wrote me back!), the lavender mint toothpaste has been discontinued, my girlfriend really does like the stuff (I find it a bit less that repulsive and generally do prefer Crest), the Waldenbooks is actually closed (I should know, I helped close it), and the shelf life of Burt’s Bees Lavender Mint toothpaste is 600 million years (just a guess). Maybe Dr. Burt of Burt’s Bees is telepathetic and knew I already knew all the answers to my own questions.