Saturday, August 22, 2009

Dear Red Lobster

Sent: April 28, 2008

Dear Red Lobster,

I love lobster! But I am now writing to ask if something I've been told is true. Recently, I heard lobsters are prepared by dropping them alive into boiling water, their little lobster screams audible as they are cooked to death! This is so obviously barbaric it cannot possibly be true.

There has to be a more humane way to do this. Perhaps it would be possible to lobotomize this tasty crustacean by inserting a wire into their brain prior to cooking, or maybe you could come up with a way to administer a lethal three-drug cocktail, much like we do for death row inmates. The Supreme Court says this is not only humane, but constitutional as well! You could really use this in your advertising! "No Stay of Execution for the Lobster at Red Lobster!" or, "Get a Cocktail while Your Lobster gets a Three-Drug Cocktail!"

Please, at a minimum consider having a local Rabbi oversee the process, praying for and blessing the lobster as it is being prepared. I would feel much better knowing a Rabbi was involved next time I consume this delicacy with melted kosher butter. Of course, this all assumes what I have heard is true, and I still can't imagine it is, so I will just ask it outright!

Do you boil live lobsters alive?


Thanks,


Christopher L. Jorgensen


Reply Dated: May 02, 2008

Letter from Red Lobster. Click to be taken to larger size image.


Executive Offices
Guest Relations

Red Lobster
5900 Lake Ellenor Drive
Orlando, FL 32809

Dear Mr. Jorgensen,

Thank you for your interest in Red Lobster; it is always a pleasure to hear from our guests.

Red Lobster and our parent company, Darden Restaurants, have an over 35 year history of commitment to animal welfare and the sustainability of our natural ocean resources. I invite you to learn more about our practices on our website: http://www.dardenrestaurants.com/com_ff_preservation.asp

We appreciate your concern for the live lobsters in our restaurants. Please be assured the live Maine lobsters are humanely treated the entire time they are in the restaurant.

Again, thank you for taking the time to contact us.

Sincerely,

(signed)

Ami
Senior Guest Relations Representative

My reaction:

[Originally published: May 09, 2008]

Way to dodge the question counselor!

Oh, what is this thing called a website you speak of? Is it on that newfangled internet thingamabob? Yeah, I wrote you a letter. On real paper. Using the US Postal Service. With a $0.41 stamp and everything. I hand addressed it and signed it. Why give me a URL? If I wanted to use an effing computer, I would have sent you a gd email! But for you, gentle reader, I turned their static URL into a hyperlinky thing. It works much better than theirs does. I tried clicking it on their letter like a dozen times to no effect!

I like how they not only dodge the question, but even after I do the legwork and go to the site that is supposed to have the answer to my concern, I can find nothing that lets me know if they do indeed boil lobsters alive, so I have to presume they do (since how else would you do it?), but they don’t want people knowing about it. Man, I’m getting hungry. If I wasn’t allergic to shellfish (sadly true) I’d go fire up a pot of boiling water right now! Guess I still can, since I’m not allergic to puppy.

Three quick comments in closing: One, in case you’re wondering, no I am not concerned about the tragic plight of the tasty live Maine lobster. Two, I love the way no-last-name Ami signs her letters. Bet she was still dotting her I’s with cute little hearts until sometime late in her college years. Three, if you go to their website, turn off your computer speakers or the soothing sound of the ocean will make you need to pee.

Website:

Red Lobster



Posted by cjorgensen on 08/22 at 08:45 PM
Company •
Page 1 of 1 pages

Comments:

Instead of a more humane way to kill and cook lobsters I’m thinking that boiling death row inmates would be a far better deterant for criminals than the current 3 drug cocktail they use…oh and shellfish is not to be eaten by members of the Jewish faith (at least I’m pretty sure of that) so I’m thinking no Rabi would take the job as Lobster prayer…try a Catholic priest I think them doing the whole cross thing over each lobster before being boiled alive would be kinda cool

Posted by .(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address)  on  05/27  at  09:08 PM

Bro, I have always felt for the plight of the lobster. Think about it, your a lonely lobster on the ocean floor minding your own business, you end up in a lobster trap, and then stuffed in a tank with a couple hundred other lobsters all climbing on top of one another. You say to yourself all right, at least I’m alive. Then a hand reaches in, pulls you out and throws you into a vat of boiling water :(

For this reason I always order the tail. I feel much better knowing that the lowly lobster was simply chopped in half before preparation.

Now, I have a friend that gets the lobster drunk before preparation. He places the lobster in a bowl of wine before cooking. When the lobster looks good and tanked, he reaches in and throws him in the boiling pot of water. This gives the lobster a nice winey flavor and somehow he feels this is more humane to the lobster.

I know one thing, that was one happy lobster before he got boiled alive :)

Posted by b0ll0cks  on  08/29  at  07:39 PM

I didn’t go to their website to see if they actually answered your question because I get seasick and this is a new keyboard. They probably didn’t answer it, because, duh, everyone knows that being dropped head-first in a vat of boiling water is just like soaking in a big hot tub, which means they go peacefully to sleep.

Posted by Twitter Fail  on  09/04  at  12:23 AM

I LOVE the thought of getting the lobster drunk that b0ll0cks mentions!  How humane.  How germaine. How absolutely erudite.  What ho!  Chopping their little heads off would be a good solution, too, of course.  Of course, if they are absolutely deserving of death, as many Americans assume most death row inmates do, we could just drown them in butter alive and save a step to a delicious repast.  God bless the hand the kills and serves.

Posted by .(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address)  on  11/25  at  11:21 PM


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