For more backstory than you could ever care about: The Monster at the End of This Beer.

Normally I would say it takes a big pair of balls to write a lawyer, make fun of her in the letter, and then post said letter on the internet, but fuck it, my lawyer is better than Rock Star Energy Drink’s lawyer. I can’t imagine how Diane M. Reed can sleep at night. I get that it’s a paycheck and all, but when unethical fucks are writing the check, sometimes you just have to say no.

If I’ve already lost you, dear reader, quit reading now.

If you are a glutton for punishment, or Diane M. Reed (and want to see what else I’ve said about you), mentally retarded, really fucking bored, drunk, or my lawyer (Marc J. Randazza, checking to see if I’ve committed an actionable offense), then by all means keep reading.

First, the unanswered letter to Diane: [editor’s note: formatting is fucked up because we’re lazy]

Sent: October 14, 2009

Diane M. Reed
c/o Knobbe Martens Olson & Bear LLP
2040 Main Street
Fourteenth Floor
Irvine, CA 92614

Dear Diane,

It’s come to my attention that you are representing the Hansen Beverage Company as they go after Rock Art Brewery over their use of “Vermonster,” since your client has a trademark on the term “Monster.” I’m no intellectual property lawyer, but it seems to me that this Matt Nadeau guy seems a little shifty. I mean, why would he want to use your client’s name if he wasn’t trying to confuse people into buying his beer!

You get ‘em!

Also, just a cursory glance at my beer shelf shows you’ll have no end to such lawsuits. Talk about job security!

I made you a handy list. You can cross them off as you go:

     Terrapin Big Hoppy Monster

     Terrapin Big Sloppy Monster

     Great Lakes The Lake Erie Monster Double IPA

     Brooklyn Monster Ale

     Sea Monster Stout

     Green Monster Beer

     Lilja's Hop Nest Monster

     Gila Monster Amber Lager

     Monster Mash Porter

     Mikkels Monster

Sincerely,

Christopher L. Jorgensen

I also wrote letters to Hansen Beverage Company (parent company of Monster Energy Drink).

Sent: October 14, 2009

Monster Beverage Co
550 Monica Circle, Suite 201
Corona, CA 92880

Dear Monster Energy Drink,

THEY ARE MAKING FUN OF YOU ON THE INTERNET YOU BULLIES!

It’s a bit difficult to go around spouting off about how you have a punk rock lifestyle while you’re suing the little guy. I mean, come on, when you go after a guy like Matt Nadeau over his use of the word “Vermonster” you end up coming off like the man!

Lawyers aren’t very punk rock.

You should be sponsoring Matt, entering into promotional deals, and having fun. Instead you’re choosing to squash this guy? This is idiotic. The names aren’t even that close. No one is going to confuse the products. One is presumably a yummy tasting beverage that gets you drunk, the other isn’t. Not a lot of room for confusion there!

The world needs more beer, less litigation. Drop the lawsuit. Quit crying like a bunch of babies.

Sincerely,

Christopher L. Jorgensen

p.s. I sent Matt $5 to help his legal costs. It’s all I can do to stick it to the man!

p.s.s. you should come out with an iPhone app of hot chicks.

p.s.s.s please don’t sue me!

Predictably Matt was the only one cool enough to write back. I really did send the $5. You can ask him. @RockArtBrewery. I am a little sad Matt never answered my question about the beers on the wall, and I like Christmas cards as much as the next guy, but it would have been the coolest to open my PO Box to find beer in it.

Oh, and I really did go to school with Holly Nadeau.