jackassletters.com http://www.jackassletters.com.com/index.php Letters to luminaries and companies with their replies! en cjorgensen@mac.com Copyright2008 2008-11-19T11:00:29-06:00 Garanimals http://www.jackassletters.com/index.php/asking/garanimals/ http://www.jackassletters.com/index.php/asking/garanimals/#When:10:00:29Z Sent: May 5, 2008 Garanimals c/o Garan, Inc. 350 Fifth Avenue New York, New York 10018 Dear Garanimals, Happy Cinco De Mayo! Did you ever consider coming out with a line of clothes for adult men? A lot of men aren't gay or married so they either lack the ability to coordinate or lack a woman to do it for them. This would be really helpful to the population at large, since there would potentially be less men running around in offensively mismatched clothes! By the way, you lack an opening tag on your webpage at: http://www.garanimals.com/contact.htm It should be <html> not html>. Some browsers will not display the page correctly with this markup error. You should fix that! Thanks, Christopher L. Jorgensen Company, Retail, No Response 2008-11-19T06:00:29-06:00 Planned Parenthood http://www.jackassletters.com/index.php/asking/planned_parenthood/ http://www.jackassletters.com/index.php/asking/planned_parenthood/#When:10:00:19Z Sent:May 6, 2008 Planned Parenthood Federation of America 434 West 33rd Street New York, NY 10001 Dear Planned Parenthood, I'll come right out and say I am a man, which some women believe disqualifies me from having an opinion on a topic like abortion. I also have no kids, so again some think my voice on child rearing shouldn't be counted, but I say I do as long as I pay property taxes to give these mewling offspring an unappreciated education! Want me to shut up, quit taking my tax dollars! I just wanted to write to thank you for your tireless support of abortion rights, but I really think you should try to widen the scope of the law to include children as old as 5. Since it is often possible to tell what kind of an adult an infant will become, it would be best for society if we could abort these kids before they become a burden. Further, since parents are often blind to the evil of their own children, it would be best if an impartial committee could make these retroactive abortion decisions. This would also protect from an abuse of this system! It's a win win as far as I can tell. Sincerely, Christopher L. Jorgensen Institution, No Response 2008-11-18T06:00:19-06:00 Lee’s Safety Razors http://www.jackassletters.com/index.php/asking/lees_safety_razors/ http://www.jackassletters.com/index.php/asking/lees_safety_razors/#When:10:00:59Z Sent: May 21, 2008 Lee's Safety Razors, Inc. P.O. Box 619 Jericho, N.Y. 11753 Dear Lee's Safety Razors, As I am sure you are aware lots of depressed and angst ridden teenagers unsuccessfully try to commit suicide every week using "safety" razors. This is kinda tragic. If your life sucks so bad that you have to attempt suicide, and you screw that up at that, I ask you, what do you have left worth living for? This failure results mostly because they are doing it incorectly! There is obviously a need for an awareness campaign teaching kids how to properly execute this simple technique. I am enclosing a graphic you could include with each purchased box of razors. This would go a long way toward solving this problem. The poster reads, "It's 'down the road' not 'across the street.'" This slogan is pretty catchy if you ask me, but feel free to come up with your own! Sincerely, Christopher L. Jorgensen enc. Company, Retail, No Response 2008-11-17T06:00:59-06:00 Garrison Keillor http://www.jackassletters.com/index.php/asking/garrison_keillor/ http://www.jackassletters.com/index.php/asking/garrison_keillor/#When:10:00:12Z Sent: May 14, 2008 Garrison Keillor Prairie Home Productions, LLC 611 Frontenac Place St. Paul, MN 55104 Dear Mr. Keillor, I would love an autographed photo! I used to think you were funny, but your jokes are just stale and old now. Isn't it time for some new material? Let's retire the whole sponsored by ketchup, making fun of Norwegian's and Lutherans, and powdermilk biscuits and such. You could move on to other food groups, nationalities, and religions! I mean come on, even a bad Jew joke is usually funnier than anything you have to say about the Norwegians. If you just branched out a little, you could hit the blacks, Chinese, and even the damn Dutch! And as far as religions go, have you looked into what those "The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints" people believe? Talk about jokes that write themselves! I'm always up for laughing at some clever Catholic bashing. Muslims, Shakers & Quakers, Methodists, Hindus, Buddhists, and etc.! The list goes on nearly forever, but I think we can agree you're pretty much scraping the bottom of the barrel with the Lutheran jokes. Of course, I realize if your retire your current stchick you won't have much left, so maybe it's time to join them in retirement? If not, consider taking on the above. Sorry I don't have any recommends for food jokes, but those have never been funny anyway. Sincerely, Christopher L. Jorgensen Individual, No Response 2008-11-14T06:00:12-06:00 RIAA http://www.jackassletters.com/index.php/asking/riaa/ http://www.jackassletters.com/index.php/asking/riaa/#When:10:00:37Z Sent: May 16, 2008 Recording Industry Association of America 1025 F St. NW 10th Floor Washington, DC 20004 Dear RIAA, I want to thank you for clearly marking which artists you represent by putting your name on their CDs. I believe an informed consumer is empowered consumer. I also believe you guys are evil beyond words, but I am sure you've heard worse, and hell, I've had the same thing said about me a time or two! But with clear conscious I have decided to never again buy a CD from any artist that is a member of your terrorist trade organization. In fact, I intend to cull my collection of any artist represented by the RIAA. There's enough music out there, being put out by ethical artists, artists with talent and integrity, artists that care about their fans, that I no longer feel the need to support rat bastard music labels. Your name has become a scarlet letter (four actually), but you've earned the scorn. Go to hell. Oh, by the way, from an accessibility standpoint, your website really sucks. What kind of moron would build a nearly entirely monochrome website? I mean gray text on a gray background. This alone tells me you guys are loons! Sincerely, Christopher L. Jorgensen p.s. http://www.riaaradar.com/ Institution, No Response, Political, Talentless Hacks 2008-11-13T06:00:37-06:00 Red Robin http://www.jackassletters.com/index.php/asking/red_robin/ http://www.jackassletters.com/index.php/asking/red_robin/#When:10:00:30Z Sent: May 13, 2008 Red Robin Gourmet Burgers 6312 S. Fiddlers Green Cir., #200N Greenwood Village, CO 80111 Dear Red Robin, I love your restaurant. My only complaint is the noise. It's way too noisy. I'm not sure there is a lot you can do though other than give out complimentary earplugs. Mostly I eat your chicken entrees, since I don't dig on red meat. What really draws me through the door though is the bottomless steak fries! These are super yummy. I was wondering, what do you think the most any one person has eaten in one sitting? I eat a lot of them, but am thinking there are probably people who eat more, so was hoping you had a story to share about the person who ate the mostest ever! Thanks, Christopher L. Jorgensen Company, Food, No Response 2008-11-12T06:00:30-06:00 NyQuil http://www.jackassletters.com/index.php/asking/nyquil/ http://www.jackassletters.com/index.php/asking/nyquil/#When:10:00:05Z Sent: May 13, 2008 NyQuil Cough c/o Procter & Gamble 1 Procter & Gamble Plaza Cincinnati, OH 45202 Dear NyQuil, Did you know your product makes a superior replacement choice for grenadine in most cocktails? The other night I was making some Tequila Sunrises for some friends, only to realize, after it was too late, that I was out of grenadine. Instead of allowing this to ruin the evening, for my friends and I, a simple bottle of NyQuil Cough syrup saved the day (evening actually)! Don't worry, I was ethical about this. I told most of them. Alcohol kills germs, orange juice helps fight a cold, and NyQuil makes things a bit better! There are over 500 drinks made with grenadine. Think of this untapped market. A recipe book extolling the virtues of using NyQuil Cough syrup instead of grenadine would make the stuff fly off the shelves. Now people can go out and party even while not feeling well or with a cold. I can't believe it took me this long to discover this! If you do come out with a NyQuil cocktail book, could you please send me one? Thanks, Christopher L. Jorgensen Company, Drugs, No Response 2008-11-11T06:00:05-06:00 Fred Phelps http://www.jackassletters.com/index.php/asking/fred_phelps/ http://www.jackassletters.com/index.php/asking/fred_phelps/#When:10:00:26Z Sent: May 14, 2008 Fred Phelps, Sr. Westboro Baptist Church 3701 SW 12th Topeka, KS 66604 Dear Fred Phelps, Sr., I am grateful for crusaders like yourself and find your website "[redacted]" to be both informative and a righteously riotous good time! But I think you are off base with your most recent fax. In this fax you claim that the earthquake in China is due to their rebellion against God and you actually want more earthquakes to crush the "oriental ingrates." Well, I just want to point out that without Chinese sweatshops great American companies like Wal-Mart would be forced to raise prices, thus hurting the American Christian Consumer. By putting Chinese children to work at an early age, we not only keep import prices low, but are also able to provide jobs to the needy, and take advantage of these children's naturally small stature and tiny hands. Without this labor pool our textile costs would be such that many good Christians might no longer be able to afford clothes! (Imagine the shame if this were to happen.) Remember, God gave us dominion over the lesser beasts! I hope you don't take offense with our disagreement over the Chinese, but if it makes you feel any better, I would totally be on your side if we were talking about the Dutch. Those wooden shoe wearing heathens all need to be held accountable. By the way, it would make my day if I could get an autographed photo of you and your daughter Shirley Phelps-Roper. Yours in Christ, Christopher L. Jorgensen p.s. I am praying you are called into the arms of Jesus soon. Individual, No Response, Religious 2008-11-10T06:00:26-06:00 Site Reader http://www.jackassletters.com/index.php/asking/site_reader/ http://www.jackassletters.com/index.php/asking/site_reader/#When:10:00:53Z Begging for Cash! Fund Drive Current Goal: $343.73 This site is published Monday-Friday (except when I miss a day which happens a lot). Unsurprisingly, this site does not earn me money, so I am having a weekly fund drive! You will see this post on the main page only on Saturday and Sunday. If you enjoy jackassletters.com, please consider making a donation. Any amount will be accepted. I can't retire and do this full time without your help! Won't you think of the children? Please call. You can drop me a buck or hundred using this nifty little PayPal button: Or just send a check in the mail (if you'd rather support the USP than PayPal) to this address: Christopher L. Jorgensen P.O. Box 93042 Des Moines, IA 50393 Send me money, get cool stuff! Ok, not really, but for a mere $10 you can get a sponsored link at the bottom of any letter. I will let you design a 32 X 32 icon (that's 1024 pixels to play with!) and I will link this to anything you like. I do reserve the right to refuse the design or the link (I won't link to anything that offends my sensibilities like scams or hate sites). Buy as many as you like. For $100 I will write a letter to any entity you choose. You don't get to dictate the content, and you do have to provide full contact information, but you will get a signed, suitable-for-framing copy, of the original letter sent. Anything that results from such a letter is yours to keep (any reply, swag, etc.). You also get a the same icon and link as above. Recap: $10.00 = (Right click and "save as" to copy locally, or fire up your favorite image editor and make one from scratch.) $100 = Letter to any company or person you like. All money earned through the above will be funneled back into this site (or my account in the Cayman Islands). Don't worry, jackassletters.com won't be going away any time soon, even if you're too cheap to support my silly little endeavor. I enjoy doing this too much to stop! Want to help, but don't want to part with your hard earned dinars? Drop me a line. I can use some help researching contact addresses, some minor graphic design, and am open to suggestions for ways you can make my life easier. You will get credited and a link if you like. Individual 2008-11-08T06:00:53-06:00 Monsanto http://www.jackassletters.com/index.php/asking/monsanto/ http://www.jackassletters.com/index.php/asking/monsanto/#When:10:00:28Z Sent: May 30, 2008 Monsanto Company 800 N. Lindbergh Blvd. St. Louis, MO 63167 Dear Monsanto, I accidently entered in your company name at google.com (a popular internet search engine) along with the word "evil" and came up with 317,000 hits! That's a lot of people out there that think your company is one of the bad guys! I was just wondering what you're doing to combat this perception? I mean, if that many people thought I was evil I'd begin to question getting out of bed on most days, but thankfully, I am not faced with this problem. I only get 4 hits with my name and "evil." And from reading these articles as far as I can tell, no one actually thinks I am evil, but they sure do you! I tried a couple other adjectives just for kicks and came up with Bad: 1,270,000 hits. Soulless: 5,330 hits. There's no way you could be as bad or soulless as these people claim though, since if you were no one would work there unless you paid them a lot of money! You should hire some PR people to take care of this for you, or maybe some lawyers to go after these people, since obviously they have taken the whole free speech thing too far! Sincerely, Christopher L. Jorgensen Company, Food, No Response 2008-11-07T06:00:28-06:00 ATF http://www.jackassletters.com/index.php/asking/atf/ http://www.jackassletters.com/index.php/asking/atf/#When:10:00:34Z Sent: May 1, 2008 Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms and Explosives U.S. Department of Justice 950 Pennsylvania Avenue, NW Washington, DC 20530-0001 Dear ATF, I understand alcohol and tobacco going together, and I understand firearms and explosives going together, but I don't get how all four of these things go together. Why are these things regulated under one agency? And shouldn't your name be the ATFE if you also deal with explosives? And my last comment, aren't you the one agency that really doesn't need a kids' section on its website? Besides, it's not very good. Thanks, Christopher L. Jorgensen Institution, No Response 2008-11-06T06:00:34-06:00 Lazlo Toth http://www.jackassletters.com/index.php/asking/lazlo_toth/ http://www.jackassletters.com/index.php/asking/lazlo_toth/#When:10:00:57Z Sent: May 5, 2008 Mr. Lazlo Toth PO Box 245 Fairfax, Ca 94978 Dear Mr. Toth, I was wondering if you were dropped on your head as a baby. I am told this is a common infantile accident/injury, but I am having difficulty finding a documented case of anyone this has actually happened to. After reading some small amount about you though, I have become convinced you exhibit all the symptoms these children carry into adulthood: A nasally voice A certain moral ambiguity Excessive hair Nearsightedness Excessive masturbation Large ego Small stature If possible, could you let me know if you do engage in excessive masturbation (like more than 6 times a day), thus confirming my diagnosis? For some time now I worried I had been dropped on my head as an infant, since I too met most of these symptoms, but after an unexpected growth spurt in my early 30s I am no longer of small stature. Thanks! Love and pogo-sticks, Christopher L. Jorgensen p.s. any way I can get an autographed photo? Individual, No Response 2008-11-05T06:00:57-06:00 As It Happens http://www.jackassletters.com/index.php/asking/as_it_happens/ http://www.jackassletters.com/index.php/asking/as_it_happens/#When:09:00:34Z Sent: May 1, 2008 As It Happens Box 500 Station A Toronto, Ontario M5W 1E6 Canada Dear As It Happens, Years ago you did a segment about a burlesque dancer who shook her bits to your theme music, and to this day I can't hear your show's opening track without imagining a nearly naked woman dancing. I want to thank you for that! Is she still doing this? You should replay that interview and do a followup! If you take me up on this idea, any way you can drop me a recording of it? I can't always catch your show, and we don't get the whole thing in the US regardless (why is that?). I always get a bit sad when it's time for you to "Say goodbye to our American listeners," but at least I get to think of a nearly naked woman as you go away! Thanks, Christopher L. Jorgensen p.s. Mary Lou Finlay and Barbara Budd are the bomb! Institution, No Response 2008-10-31T05:00:34-06:00 Staples http://www.jackassletters.com/index.php/asking/staples/ http://www.jackassletters.com/index.php/asking/staples/#When:09:00:05Z Sent: May 1, 2008 Staples, Inc. 500 Staples Drive Framingham, MA 01702 Dear Staples, I have an affinity for office supplies that borders on the unnatural! It's nearly a fetish. Do you think it's wrong I like to spend so much time looking at scissors, notecards, paperclips, paper punches, staplers, envelopes, pens, tape, paste glue, printer toner, calculators, label makers, bubble wrap, laser pointers, and leather office chairs? Sometimes, I need a little private time with your print catalog, and live in fear my girlfriend with go through my web browser history and realize exactly how much time I spend on your website. Is this normal? Have other people told you this very same thing? Sometimes I get so excited I get downright sticky! Do I need therapy? Sincerely, Christopher L. Jorgensen Company, Retail, No Response 2008-10-31T05:00:05-06:00 Bill Maher http://www.jackassletters.com/index.php/asking/bill_maher/ http://www.jackassletters.com/index.php/asking/bill_maher/#When:09:00:29Z Sent: May 1, 2008 Bill Maher Real Time with Bill Maher CBS Studios 7800 Beverly Blvd Los Angeles, CA 90036 Dear Bill, I am a big fan and was wondering if I could get an autographed photo or something? This would make my day! I often agree with your politics, but you come off a bit smarmy at times. Even your grin is somewhat smarmy. I'm not trying to be critical here, I just thought you should know, since people might take you more seriously if you were a little less condescending. You should also put your education credentials on your website, so people can know how you got so smart. Thanks, Christopher L. Jorgensen Individual, No Response 2008-10-30T05:00:29-06:00