http://www.jackassletters.com.com/index.php Letters to luminaries and companies with their replies! en cjorgensen@mac.com Copyright2010 2010-07-28T11:39:45+00:00 http://www.jackassletters.com/index.php/asking/isaiah_mustafa/ http://www.jackassletters.com/index.php/asking/isaiah_mustafa/#When:10:39:45Z Christopher L. Jorgensen P.O. Box 93042 Des Moines, IA 50393 July 19, 2010 Isaiah Mustafa c/o Old Spice c/o The Procter & Gamble Company PO Box 599 Cincinnati, OH 45201 Dear Isaiah Mustafa, Most importantly I was hoping to get an autographed photo. A scratch-n-sniff photo would rock, but I'd take a plain old boring one as well. Just make sure you sign it to "Christopher L. Jorgensen" and say something about me being the coolest guy in the world. Please note, my middle initial is very important. Without the L it is too easy to confuse me with all the other Christopher Jorgensens in the world (and some of those guys are real jerks!). Sometimes, when it's late at night, and I am in bed, I dream about being as ripped as you are. I think, "If only I had a six-pack like Isaiah Mustafa...I should start working out tomorrow," but then I usually just have a beer and this feeling goes away. Anyway, write back and don't forget the photo! Sincerely, Christopher L. Jorgensen Individual, No Response 2010-07-28T06:39:45-06:00 http://www.jackassletters.com/index.php/asking/marc_j._randazza/ http://www.jackassletters.com/index.php/asking/marc_j._randazza/#When:21:29:17Z Editor's note 1: Originally published: Saturday, October 31, 2009 Editor's note 2: Join the Randazza Society. Sent: October 13, 2009 Marc J. Randazza, PA P.O. Box 5516 Gloucester, Massachusetts 01930 Dear Marc J. Randazza, I loved how you took Glenn Beck to task and exposed him for the idiot he is. This was sheer brilliance! You, sir, are now my idol. This is a great and terrible thing, so I thought I'd write and let you know your responsibilities. You must keep on being awesome. Failure to do so will will only result in disappointment in my life and frankly I've had enough of this. You must send me an autographed photo for my shrine. I know this must be a common request for most lawyers, what with their adoring legions of fans and all, but for you it is a requirement. You can send the photo to the above address. There really isn't a third thing, but two things makes a pretty short and lame list. Be awesome and the photo does pretty much covers it! If you do this, I will light a candle in your honor whenever I am in a church that allows this (for at least the next year or until I find a new idol or you quit being awesome, whatever comes first). Also, I'll let you defend me against Glenn Beck when he sues me! Sincerely, Christopher L. Jorgensen p.s. I don't really have anything more to say, but I like post scripts. Individual 2010-07-20T17:29:17-06:00 http://www.jackassletters.com/index.php/asking/site_reader/ http://www.jackassletters.com/index.php/asking/site_reader/#When:13:54:40Z I am taking a month off. It's debatable as to whether or not I deserve it. I'll be back with a new letter on July 25th. My site has hit a million page views in a bit over two years. That's every visit, ever goggle or bing crawl, every psychotic reload. The actual number of unique visits by real people is much lower. I'm not a statistics geek, so pretty much all I check is where the traffic is coming from and which direction it is trending. Feel free to read through any of the letters you've missed. They're all still available. See, right over there to the left. Go ahead, click one. I'll still be here when you get back. Then I'll be asking for money! (If you've already donated ignore this plea.) Why are you reading this site? I presume it's because you enjoy it. jackassletters.com is a one man show. Christopher L. Jorgensen is responsible for all lack of design, all lack of comedy, each and every letter, and all expenses associate with running this place. If you like what you've been reading, make a contribution to allow me to continue amusing you. If I don't amuse you, or you don't think the site is worth supporting, then I respectfully ask you to go away forever. And now, a word from our sponsors: Keeping this site up and running takes more time and money than one would think. I'm not going to break down the financials because it's too difficult to keep a running tally. I have hosting, domain registration, a PO Box, CMS license, paper, advertising, envelopes, drugs, and postage. Postage costs alone have now landed in the hundreds of dollars. If you enjoy it I am asking you to consider making a donation: Or just send a check in the mail (if you'd rather support the USPS than PayPal) to this address: Christopher L. Jorgensen P.O. Box 93042 Des Moines, IA 50393 I'm not making a living writing letters. Hell, I don't even turn a profit. Without support this site will become less of a priority for me. I promise any money you send me will go toward site expenses or cat food. You do want my cat to eat, right? Any donations of $5 or more will get a pdf of two years of unanswered letters (about 175 letters). Individual 2010-06-27T09:54:40-06:00 http://www.jackassletters.com/index.php/asking/little_debbie/ http://www.jackassletters.com/index.php/asking/little_debbie/#When:00:17:18Z Sent: April 26, 2010 McKee Foods PO Box 750 Collegedale, TN 37315 Dear Little Debbie, When I was a kid we got to eat your snacks as a treat! This was mostly because money was tight back then. The rich kids all ate Ho Hos, Ding-Dons, and Cupcakes. In fact, I kind of always viewed Little Debbies as being knock-offs of Hostess products! Now I am an adult I tend to prefer Little Debbie. Money is still tight and Hostess all seems full of preservatives and crap I won't eat. I did have two things I wanted to know: There was a snack that had a buttercream frosting and a chocolate cake. These seem to be gone everywhere. Did you quit making them or are they just so popular that they are always out of stock? Have you ever considered updating "Debbie" to something a bit more modern in design? Sincerely, Christopher L. Jorgensen Company, Food, Retail 2010-06-18T20:17:18-06:00 http://www.jackassletters.com/index.php/asking/subway/ http://www.jackassletters.com/index.php/asking/subway/#When:23:58:49Z Sent: May 4, 2010 SUBWAY Restaurant Headquarters 325 Bic Drive Milford, CT 06461-3059 USA Dear Subway, First off, thanks for the free Subway breakfast sandwich! It was better than I expected. I do have one small complaint though. I had the Western Egg White Muffin Melt, but without meat. I tried to get turkey on it instead, since I don't eat pork, but was told I couldn't. I realize "beggars can't be choosers," but if the idea was to promote a new product this was a dumb way to go about it! I mean, if I had been paying would I have been allowed to do this? I'm guessing so, but who knows? I doubt I'll risk it though! Anyway, it was a nice treat, but I'll probably be sticking to the lunch menu. Thanks! Sincerely, Christopher L. Jorgensen Company, Food 2010-06-11T19:58:49-06:00 http://www.jackassletters.com/index.php/asking/crayola_crayons/ http://www.jackassletters.com/index.php/asking/crayola_crayons/#When:01:01:40Z Sent: April 23, 2010 Crayola LLC Attn: Consumer Affairs P.O. Box 431 Easton, PA 18044-0431 Dear Crayola Crayons, I have a kick ass idea for a box of crayons! I know companies like yours are always reluctant to read such proposals, but you can have this one for free. I declaim and disclaim all claims I might have if I tried to do this on my own. I just want to see it done, and you are the people to do it! Ready? EmotiCrayons! Yes, rather than the usual cyan, magenta, yellow, and black, you could have: Impressed, Disappointed, Yeller, Happy, Sad/Blue (this crayon could actually be blue!), Miffed, Excited, Surprised, Relieved, etc! This list could go on nearly forever. People are wanting to color themselves all kinds of things! I often hear, "Color me Surprised" from people I know really aren't, but the "Color me Impressed" people usually mean it. Anyway, it would be great fun to match a color to an emotion. "Color me Envious" would obviously be green and such, but Excited could be just about any unused color. Anyway, I think this is a great idea that you should run with. If you do this, I would expect a box, but I wouldn't refuse a check either! Sincerely, Christopher L. Jorgensen Company, Retail 2010-06-09T21:01:40-06:00 http://www.jackassletters.com/index.php/asking/firestone/ http://www.jackassletters.com/index.php/asking/firestone/#When:20:59:01Z Sent: January 11, 2009 Firestone Bridgestone Americas, Inc. 535 Marriot Drive PO Box 140990 Mashville, TN 37214-0990 Dear Firestone, What's a guy got to do to get some stickers or something else that's cool? I'm asking for a friend. I know, I bet you hear that a lot, but in this case it's true! My friend, Joel Postman, would like to know what it would take to get some stickers or something cool, so I said I'd ask, so I am asking. I promise to pass the information onto him. Don't be surprised if you get a request for something cool from Joel Postman. Well, unless you don't answer this letter. Then I won't know what to tell him, and he won't know who to ask, and you'll hear nothing. So if you don't write back I'll just assume you didn't want Joel Postman writing you! You do know who Joel Postman is, right? Sincerely, Christopher L. Jorgensen Company, Retail 2010-06-06T16:59:01-06:00 http://www.jackassletters.com/index.php/asking/guv._rick_perry/ http://www.jackassletters.com/index.php/asking/guv._rick_perry/#When:10:24:56Z Sent: May 3, 2010 Governor Rick Perry Office of the Governor P.O. Box 12428 Austin, Texas 78711-2428 Dear Gov. Rick Perry, Glad you and the puppy are fine! Can I get an autographed photo of you with the puppy? I'm sure Peta is all up in your grill for shooting that coyote, but those people need to get a sense of humor! I mean how much funnier can you get than having the fine Governor (you), of one of these United States (Texas), shooting a coyote, with a laser sighted, .380 Ruger pistol, loaded with hollow-point bullets, while out jogging with a labrador retriever puppy, all because he's afraid of snakes! You can't make stuff like that up! Pure comedy gold, but I bet not one Peta person finds it as funny as I do! I'm not sure if I'm allowed to run around with a gun in Iowa, but we don't have as many snakes here anyway. Besides, I'm probably not in good enough shape to carry a .380 Ruger around. What do you think, should I start with something lighter like a .22? By the way, what do you think Gov. Chet Culver's chances are for reelection? I'm thinking not very good, but that's only because former-Gov. Terry Branstad is back in the race! Sincerely, Christopher L. Jorgensen p.s. are you at all related to the American actor Luke Perry? He was pretty good in "Jeremiah," although I think most everything else he's done has sucked. I'd still take his autographed photo if you are related and could pull it off! Individual, Political 2010-06-04T06:24:56-06:00 http://www.jackassletters.com/index.php/asking/sen._roy_ashburn/ http://www.jackassletters.com/index.php/asking/sen._roy_ashburn/#When:19:16:16Z Sent: February 08, 2009 [Editor's note: The author of this letter has no idea what year he lives in. This letter was sent in 2010.] Senator Roy Ashburn State Capitol, Room 3060 Sacramento, CA 95814 Dear Sen. Roy Ashburn, I'm guessing a lot of people are going to be demanding you step down. I'm writing to ask you not to. Too often when someone makes a mistake everyone pretends like this person's career has ended. I say as long as the voters are willing to return you to office who cares? Plenty of gay people drive drunk and are still able to keep decent jobs. I don't see a reason why you should be any different! Keep up the good fight and don't let the bastards get you down! Sincerely, Christopher L. Jorgensen p.s. anyway I can get an autographed photo? Individual, Political 2010-05-30T15:16:16-06:00 http://www.jackassletters.com/index.php/asking/rep._tom_latham/ http://www.jackassletters.com/index.php/asking/rep._tom_latham/#When:23:07:53Z Sent: March 08, 2009 [Editor's note: The author of this letter has no idea what year he lives in. This letter was sent in 2010.] Congressman Tom Latham 2217 Rayburn House Office Building Washington, DC 20515 Dear Rep. Tom Latham, your colleague Rep. Steve Cohen (D-TN) has introduced The Citizen Participation Act, (H. R. 4364) the first Federal anti-SLAPP legislation, to Congress. I'm no expert in these things, but it seems like a pretty good law, and if I were a Congressman I'd vote for it, so I am writing you and asking you to do it for me! The bill describes its purpose as follows:To protect first amendment rights of petition and free speech by preventing States and the United States from allowing meritless lawsuits arising from acts in furtherance of those rights, commonly called "SLAPPs", and for other purposes.I don't see anything any right thinking individual could object to, but I am sure there are some haters of Liberty out there. I bet some people will even vote against this bill! Someone should assemble a list of these naysayers so people know who to vote against in the next election. Anyway, I am including a five spot toward your next run for public office (or if you prefer, buy yourself a coffee. You work hard and deserve it). Sincerely, Christopher L. Jorgensen p.s. anyway I could get an autographed photo for a friend? Just make it out to "Marc J. Randazza" and say something like "All the best!" Individual, Political 2010-05-23T19:07:53-06:00 http://www.jackassletters.com/index.php/asking/luke_skinner/ http://www.jackassletters.com/index.php/asking/luke_skinner/#When:22:07:27Z Sent: April 20, 2010 Luke Skinner 230 Shenstone Ave Norton Stourbridge West Midlands DY8 3DY UK Dear Luke Skinner, your shit rocks! I love good graphic design. It's like music for the eyes, but good music, like a Nick Cave ballad, not crappy music like that band Bruce Willis made up or the one that Joaquin Phoenix is in. Man, do those guys make suck music or what? I bet they would blow at graphic design as well. I used to work in a school and they had these posters of penguins in the hall and one of them was as high as my waist, and I said, "That's a big fucking penguin. No way they get that big," and I hear this voice behind me...it's some kid, and he says, "Actually, sir, that's an Emperor penguin and they can grow to be 3 feet tall!" Man, I wanted to hit that know-it-all kid, but he was only 8 or 9, so it wouldn't have been a fair fight! Did you know penguins could get that tall? I sure as shit didn't! You see the first "Iron Man" movie? I thought it was pretty god, even if Gwyneth Paltrow is getting kinda old and isn't hot anymore (you're not related are you? I hope I didn't upset you by pointing out that she's seen better days, man!). I can't wait for "Iron Man 2." It has Mickey Rourke in it! So, how do you get a choir boy pregnant? Dress him as a nun! Wait, I think I fucked that joke up. How do you get a nun pregnant? Dress her as a choir boy! Vote Labour! Sincerely, Christopher L. Jorgensen p.s. Jaffa cakes are a thing of the devil. Individual 2010-05-09T18:07:27-06:00 http://www.jackassletters.com/index.php/asking/scott_greenfield/ http://www.jackassletters.com/index.php/asking/scott_greenfield/#When:18:22:19Z Sent: April 12 , 2010 Scott Greenfield 1040 Ave. of the Americas, Suite 1101 New York, New York 10018 Dear Scott Greenfield, Esq., I thought I would take the time to explain why I won't be writing you. No one ever reads the "FUQ" on my website (this is the Frequently Unasked Questions section, pronounced "Fuck!") which clearly states that I never target people aware of the joke, just as I seldom contact the same entity twice. It's not that I have anything against you personally (even if you are a Communist), but I have rules, and rules are rules! The FUQ also clearly states, "Occasionally I write some individual or corporation I know nothing about, but this is a rare occurrence," and honestly, what do I really know about you? Other than your profile on the cross-dressing forums I've got nothing. You are also clearly ignoring the sections that state I won't write especially if you are Scott H. Greenfield! I'm no lawyer, which means these reasons are all spelled out in fairly precise language. I suggest you take a look here: http://www.jackassletters.com/index.php/asking/fuq/ Sincerely, Christopher L. Jorgensen Individual 2010-05-02T14:22:19-06:00 http://www.jackassletters.com/index.php/asking/chile_pepper_institute/ http://www.jackassletters.com/index.php/asking/chile_pepper_institute/#When:01:07:47Z Sent: March 23, 2010 The Chile Pepper Institute New Mexico State University P.O. Box 30003 MSC 3Q Las Cruces, NM 88003 Dear Chile Pepper Institute, I keep reading about this Bhut Jolokia pepper. I can't believe it could possibly be as hot as people are claiming. These people have to be total wimp-asses! So I decided to try some, but the produce manager at my local Hy-Vee just looked at me like I was stupid when I asked for some. Yeah, like I'm the stupid one. That guy didn't even know what a Bhut Jolokia pepper was and he sells vegetables for a living. I decided to order some off your website instead, but your store seems to be down (it says so right on the page, but also says you expect it back up shortly). I got tired of reloading it. It's been down for hours. So I am sending you $10. Can you have someone run down and harvest me some seeds? Your website says a pack is $6, but I don't need change. Just give the other $4 to the guy doing the work. If you can't do that, just throw something else in the package or just donate it to your cause. I'm not picky! I know the money looks fake, but it's real. It's not my fault that the US government decided to redesign our currency and make our dollars look all festive. Once you send me a pack of picked pepper seeds I will grow the seeds and eat the peppers. I'll let you know if they are really hot or if those people are all lying as I suspect! Sincerely, Christopher L. Jorgensen Company 2010-04-23T21:07:47-06:00 http://www.jackassletters.com/index.php/asking/seattle_art_museum/ http://www.jackassletters.com/index.php/asking/seattle_art_museum/#When:14:37:07Z [editor's note: This post originally appeared on @stinginthetails's site Sting in the Tail.] Sent: February 1, 2009 Seattle Art Museum 1300 First Avenue Seattle, WA 98101-2902 Dear Seattle Art Museum, I want to thank you for lending your Edward Hopper painting "Chop Suey" to the Des Moines Art Center. My girlfriend adores Hopper, so it was quite a treat to get to see another of his works! We made a $5 donation while were were there, so I figured I'd go ahead and send you $5 as well (for being so cool). Seeing "Chop Suey" was enough to make me wish I'd made better choices in life and had become an art thief. I'd sneak in, and in a daring daylight art heist, the painting would be mine! (I'd also take "Automat," which is my girlfriend's favorite, and "Study After Velasquez's Portrait of Pope Innocent X" by Francis Bacon, which is my favorite.) I'm sure security isn't as lax there as it looks though, so I'd probably end up in jail if I tried it, so I assure you I won't! If, by some cosmic chance these paintings do come up missing, don't look at me! How dumb would I have to be to write a letter like this and then do something like that? I just like to dream. Though you do have to admit the Hoppers would look great in my girlfriend's living room. All the best, Christopher L. Jorgensen Institution 2010-04-17T10:37:07-06:00 http://www.jackassletters.com/index.php/asking/pilot_pen/ http://www.jackassletters.com/index.php/asking/pilot_pen/#When:15:51:27Z Sent: December 8, 2009 [editor's note: post first appeared on "The Pen Addict." Pilot Corporation of America Customer Service Manager 60 Commerce Drive Trumbull, CT 06611 Dear Pilot Pen, I must apologize for typing this letter. If you saw my handwriting you'd understand why it is necessary (my girlfriend makes fun of it and calls it "Christopher at 5" and I have to admit it looks like a doctor's or serial killer's). Anyway, I do a lot of singing of letters. Sometimes three or four a day. Previously I used a Papermate Flexgrip Ultra Medium point pen to sign all my letters. That pen doesn't have the best flow, but the ink looks good on paper and it doesn't really smudge much. Recently, I ended up using one of your Pilot Precise V5 Extra Fine pens and I have to say, not only is it a more stylish pen, it also glides across the page effortlessly and doesn't smudge at all! I'm using it nearly exclusively! This pen is great, but this got me thinking that there might be something better out there, so I started to do some research on the internet, and I had no idea there were so many pen nuts out there! There are whole sites dedicated to nothing but pen reviews. Before using the Precise V5 Extra Fine pen I would have never understood how a person could get so excited about a pen. I love this pen and am going to use it to sign this letter! Sincerely, Christopher L. Jorgensen Company, Retail 2010-04-03T11:51:27-06:00