Take down requests and C&D letters will be forwarded to my attorney Marc J. Randazza.
my dad says I can only write if I "make it very clear" I am "an over privileged person who is too old to be writing Santa." He's afraid someone will send a toy that could go to some deserving kid, ad he's right. I haven't been very Good this year, so anything sent to me will just be donated. So why am I writing ? Well, I have a question.
What does Santa call the "elves?" "Santa's Little Helpers" doesn't sound very nice and everyone knows there are no such thing as elves(or fairies either, even tooth ones). Calling an elf small or little seems like bullying to me and I know that bullying is bad, so what does Santa call them? Some of my friends want to know really really bad, so I said I would ask.
What does Santa
Call the elves?
Thanks,
Christopher L. Jorgensen
p.s. I turn [redacted] in August!
Dad says I can't tell!
Read: Santa Reply
Sent: December 7, 2009
I hope to never become a member of your organization. I hope to die with dignity sometime shortly after I retire at the age of 103 years. Ha ha! It is unfair that I am paying into a system that will be bankrupt long before I get to take advantage of it. Yes, I am talking about Social Security. Just because the people retiring today didn’t plan for it doesn’t mean I should…
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Sent: April 18, 2008
I don’t think I’ve ever written a letter to France before, so I hope this gets to the right people! I’m writing in regards to the whole Sharon Stone controversy. I’m glad to see you dropped Sharon Stone like a hot potato, but what I don’t get is what took you so long? Want to talk about karma, putting her saggy funbags in any ad is a moral outrage. Any idiot could…
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Sent: May 29, 2008
As you know, with the current state of the economy and the declining American dollar, many people on fixed incomes face hard choices about how best to spend their retirement checks. Sadly, an increasing number end up eating Alpo, a product not intended for human consumption. I would like you to address this issue. Won’t you please do the responsible thing and come out with…
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Sent: April 21, 2008
I’m guessing it’s not legal to set traps on my lawn to catch the kids that keep coming on it? But, man, I wish it were! I’d order a big ol’ mean looking thing with shaper teeth and those kids would learn a thing or three! I’m right, right? It’s not legal is it? Or maybe it is. Maybe you have some mostly humane traps that would just stun the little urchins until the…
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Sent: September 20, 2010
This is a true story: When I was in basic training at Fort Benning in Georgia we were doing rifle training and a bunch of us were on the firing line. There were 10 guys or so with two clips of 20 rounds each. A gaggle of turkeys came onto the range and the tower called a ceasefire. There had to be 20-30 of these wild turkeys!Wild turkeys are much smaller than a real turkey.…
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Sent: September 22, 2010
I thought about ordering a few cases of your “Kitty Piddle Soda” as a gag gift (pun intended!), but then I saw how much it costs to ship. $1.25 a bottle? Do you guys think you are Pepsi! But then, thankfully, I noticed you have “Make Your Own Soda” tours. And I though, “I could do that!” Connecticut is a bit far for me to travel though (and there’s the whole not…
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Sent: January 8, 2009
Every time I go fishing with my friend Anthony Imperioli he always makes me bait his hook. I don’t care if it’s a worm or a grub or a minnow he won’t put it on the damn hook! I don’t know if this is because he’s Canadian or if it’s because of his prosthetic hand, but when it comes to bait he gets a bit girly. So I figure the obvious thing to do would be to get him a…
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Sent: July 29, 2011
Every time my friend Anthony Imperioli walks down the pet treat aisle and he sees your products he shouts out “Dingos ate my baby!” in his best Australian accent. This is embarrassing for obvious reasons, not the least of which, being Canadian his Australian accent really sucks. Then he always proceeds to ask me if I knew that there was a fictional band named “Dingos Ate…
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Sent: August 15, 2011
My friend Anthony Imperioli seldom shuts up about his “abduction.” It’s nothing original, just the stereotypical tale of gray beings that come at night—in flying saucers—to take him away to be researched on and probed. Anthony even believes he has an implant in his brain that allows aliens to track his every movement and that the Canadian government put it there! I…
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Sent: August 5, 2011
Do you sell adult men’s leotards? I’m asking you for a friend. I know you probably get that a lot, but in this case it’s true! His name is Anthony Imperioli and he’s looking for something that has a bit of a shimmer or dazzle to it without being all sequined. I’m guessing you don’t but I told him I’d ask. Sincerely, Christopher L. Jorgensen
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Sent: September 10, 2010
I have a friend in Canada named Anthony Imperioli and I am pretty sure he has one of your GPS devices in his Nissan Cube. I was wondering what would be required to get a print out of his whereabouts. I’m not talking in real time or anything (that would be creepy). I don’t want to stalk the guy! No, I am thinking something more along the lines of an historical record of…
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Sent: May 11, 2011
Thanks for allowing me to visit your museum. It was a special treat to see the Bil Baird puppets! I sat through as much of the DVD as I could, but didn’t get it all watched (I’m a pacer and that room wasn’t conducive to pacing). I thought it was quite wonderful and would like to buy a copy. I bought the poster, and would have bought the DVD if it was available. I’m…
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Sent: September 20, 2010
Look, I’m not some kind of activist vegetarian or vegan (or I’d tell you. Ha ha!). Hell, I don’t even do CrossFit (or I’d tell you. Ha ha!). I’m just a fat guy that doesn’t like to contribute to a wasteful meat industry. I hate the idea of industrialized…
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Sent: March 11, 2020
I have a great idea for a new product and a couple questions. I really hope you let me know what you think!If there is such a thing as a Q-tips addiction then I have it. I never seem to have clean enough ears. I hate waxy buildup! I go through tons of these in a given week, and…
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Sent: July 17, 2008
Thanks for opening up a restaurant in Ames, IA. I’ve been quite excited to eat at a Five Guys ever since I saw President Obama ordering some on TV. Your fries and milkshakes look amazing, but sadly, I am one of those people who doesn’t eat beef. I am not militant about it or…
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Sent: March 5, 2020
Dear FLAVORx, I recently came across your "Pill Glide" product and think you guys are selling yourselves short! If 40% of adults have difficulty swallowing pills think of all the other things that engage the gag reflex! All the time people stick things in their mouths, like…
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Sent: April 12 , 2010
You should give whomever invented the “Easy pull rings” a promotion, a raise, and a corner office, because that guy is a genius! Previously I’d use a knife or some other poorly designed utensil to cut through that plastic and inevitably end up cutting into the bird! I know the chicken’s already dead, but I don’t like stabbing things unnecessarily! Even dead things.…
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Sent: November 24, 2012
Enclosed you will find $6 for two memberships to the Uncle Interloper International Fan Club! These memberships are gift memberships for "Donkey Hoté" and "Spank the Monkey." Someday these two will have their own TV show and own fan clubs, but in the meantime they will be forced to bask in the greatness that is Uncle Interloper. Spank and Hoté liked the first episode of…
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Sent: January 7, 2013
the other day famous British actor Finlay Robertson was going on about your stores and how they are evil. He said he’d never learn though, so I don’t think I would worry about it too much. Do you have any idea what you would have done to draw his ire? Mostly I am just curious. If you don’t know I guess I could try to ask him, but I don’t have his address. Do you? I…
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Sent: April 21, 2011
You’re twice as cool as Michael’s. Just thought you should know that. Sincerely, Christopher L. Jorgensen
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Sent: April 10, 2008
I love your products. Well, the potato chips anyway. I’ve bought some of the other things like various pastas and such, but didn’t like those as well. Your four cheese pasta wasn’t very good, and I wasn’t that big of a fan of the crackers I had, but then I like potato chips better than crackers regardless. Thanks, Christopher L. Jorgensen
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Sent: April 11, 2008
Dear TJ Maxx, I’m a bit confused. This is nothing new. What is new is that I found out your stores are called T.J. Maxx in the US and TK Maxx in the UK. Why is this? Sincerely, Christopher L. Jorgensen
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Sent: April 21, 2011
